Dog is God spelled backward

I can't wait until application season is over. I hate how I feel compelled to eat cashews by the gallon, raisins by the tons, and other usually healthy foods when kept in small doses in elephantine portions.

Yes. These past 2 weeks I have been snacking like a...like a...beaver gnawing on a log, and thus, I am now as wide as the dashboard of a Ford Expedition. BEHOLD MY WAISTLINE! I MUST TURN SIDEWAYS TO ENTER ROOMS!

Take the past 3 hours, for instance. My personal statement is half-way done, and guaranteed if I had written a word for each time I got up to check out what's up in the kitchen again, I would have had it done. The result of this is that with each passing visit the inedible food have started to look marvelously tantalizing. That nerd rope that has been sitting in the refrigerator (Julie's doing...she thinks REFRIGERATED NERDS are tastier because they are crunchier? or colder? do not try to follow her line of reasoning. Just accept her as she is) is suddenly irresistible, even though I think nerds are the most boring candy every invented. Even more boring than regular Hershey's Kisses. Who VOLUNTARILY buys Hershey's Kisses? NO ONE! NO ONE goes out and buys those little turds because you only eat them when they're sitting out in a bowl on the desk of the advisor's secretary or at the counter of your dentist. And then you make sure you empty the entire damn bowl into your purse because who knows when you'll need to write your next application essay.

Anyway, so there's no food in our refrigerator, aside from yogurt tubs with best sold dates of I believe around December 21, hardboiled eggs, and sandwich meat. I already finished and entire jar of jam in 2 days. I could have finished it in 5 minutes, only I was practicing self-control.

This is what I want on my gravestone:

Here lies Adrianne Gyorfi
Mildly well bred
Very well fed
Feignedly well read
And much better off dead