I believe, I believe, that dreams come true

It's occurred to me that I've never recounted my bad luck in public bathrooms. I guess it's not a place particularly conducive to good luck, since, well, it is a bathroom, but with a shortage of topics to blog about tonight, and the paper not...really...going...well...right...now, well, I'll talk about my more memorable incidents in the bathroom.

NOTABLE INCIDENT #1
Age: about 5

My mom, sister, and I were visiting some friends in Switzerland. I'm not sure if they have unusually large toilet seats because of all the chocolate or cheese they eat, or if I for one day in my life had a very small butt, but I remember sitting on the toilet seat, and falling into the toilet. I FELL INTO A TOILET YOU GUYS. I started screaming bloody murder and my mom came to help me out, laughing at me.

But I had FALLEN INTO A TOILET.

This means for the next 3 days I did not go to the bathroom a single time. Not at all. I was a pretty stubborn kid. My mom wasn't worried at first, then she was, but figured that I could not be stupid for a long time.

Then we went swimming in some stream, and I guess the cold water started circulating things in my bladder and other depository places of my body, and I suddenly REALLY had to go. But I didn't want to, because I had fallen into a toilet a mere 3 days before. My mom had to drag me to the toilet and bodily force me to stay on the toilet while I howled in protest through the entire process.

I wonder how I did not pee in my pants through 3 days.

NOTABLE INCIDENT #2
Age: 19

Last summer in Portugal I was walking with my friend Elizabeth when I decided if I didn't go to the bathroom right then I'd spray everyone with my ripped bladder like Old Faithful. So into the mall we went, and of course, there was no line for the little boys' room, while there was one person waiting for the one stall at the girl's line. She said something like:

"I've been waiting for 15 minutes now. I don't know what the person is doing in there."

So I thought "I'll just go to the men's bathroom. Big deal. One stall...urinals right next to it...whatever. No one's there."

Naturally, right as I finished my job, a whole bunch of guys one right after each other started coming in to use urinal, and I was way to scared to go out of my stall, because then I'd have to see the entire line of guys waiting for the urinal and the one stall. So I waited in there for 15 minutes (I timed it) hoping that they'd leave. But they didn't. And Elizabeth was just sitting outside the bathroom laughing the entire time.

Finally, I just decided it was pretty gross to be waiting in a public bathroom and went out. The guys waiting for the stall took one look and walked out of the bathroom.

I bet the person in the girls bathroom who was taking 15 minutes was a guy.

NOTABLE INCIDENT #3
Age: Varied
There is this weird phenomenon where whenever I go into a seemingly deserted and hidden bathroom, which looks as if no one's been in the bathroom since plumbing was discovered, then always, right when I go to the bathroom, my stall door magically opens on its own right when someone is walking into the bathroom and I have to scuttle awkwardly to shut my stall door. Happened the other day, happened in CA several times.

Then also, in these bathrooms, the tendency is for the stalls to not have good locks, but whatever, I just happened to choose out of 5 stalls the one that has the shitty lock, I really have to go, and IF someone comes into this bathroom that looks like it isn't used often at all, they'll choose another stall. Right?

WRONG!

They ALWAYS go for the one you're in and somehow FAIL TO NOTICE it's occupied.

Bathrooms stink.

**ESSAY EDIT**
4:01 AM
Ok, I'll be honest, I'm missing about 4 lines for an honest-to-goodness 6 pages
Pain factor: Meh. No clue what the hell I'm writing about
Games of FreeCell played: 3
Games of FreeCell won: 3