Friday, September 01, 2006

Hi, my middle name is Incompetent.

Several years ago before I left to go to Hungary, Stacy’s mom bought me a book of collected stories. The title of the book had something to do with growing up, and it was meant to be read on the airplane ride so I wouldn’t start throwing a fit and hurling badly done fish fillet across the aisles.

I don’t really remember any of the stories, aside from the one about a girl who made earrings out of fish hooks, and then one about a girl who was popular at school and had to run away from home later because her mom hated her. The exact details escape me. The younger sister narrated the story, and she described her sister as “mysterious,” and as people liking her sister because she liked being alone. After reading that story several times over, I determined that I would learn to like being alone, too, because I’ve always had an extreme aversion to being needy and clingy. I don’t think people liked me better because I didn’t mind walking to classes alone in high school, but it definitely made me more annoyed with some of my friends who would refuse to do so (because, OH MY GOSH, BEING SEEN ALONE IN HIGH SCHOOL, TOTAL LOSER!).

ANYHOW, so by the end of high school I more or less fell into a rhythm and had perfected my ideal Friday night activity: going grocery shopping, popping in some sort of a movie at night, cooking dinner for myself, and taking the dog on a walk. OR, going to Barnes and Noble, perusing the bargain book section, then going to Trader Joe’s for food, and finally taking the dog on a walk. Note: food was always mandatory and human interaction totally optional. A couple of privileged individuals would be allowed to tag along, so long as they promised to pretend to be invisible and that they would not interrupt my solitary reverie. My life as a spinster was well on its way.

Then I came to college. Which ruined me. I went from being alone most of the time to having somebody around me 24 hours a day. It was first apparent that I was wrecked when I went home for winter break 1st year. And I had no one around to talk to, since my mom was at work and my sister wasn’t at home, and, let’s face it, talking to your mom is not the same as talking to roommates. Since then, I’ve had a steady stream of someone around most of the time. That is, until June when I was in Rome a couple of days alone, and now, while I’m just hanging out in Menorca alone. And it is WEIRD. I’m staying in a hotel room that is miniscule (the room is the size of a large dining room table…) which, I guess, can make me feel cozier, but also manages to scream “YOU’RE IN A SINGLE ROOM FOR 26 EURO A NIGHT!” I have to make programs to keep myself busy, since I know that I’d end up writhing on the ground singing to Jasmine Trias´"All By Myself" or any of Tina Turner's songs if I didn't decide I'd get coffee at 11:03 AM and another cup at 4:21 PM. That is, I WOULD writhe if I HAD enough room to writhe on the ground. Right now all I can do in this room is stand sideways and squeeze in my stomach.

This is what’s going on in Menorca. Please give me suggestions of things to do alone and make other people feel awkward. I had dinner by myself tonight and I've never seen a waiter feel so sorry for me. To make it even more awkward for him, I made sure to take out my cell phone and pretend like I had been stood up on a date. I craned my head around every 2 minutes, told him I'd wait for the menu until my friend came, then asked for the menu later, and then used my cell phone some more.

PS I've accidentally erased my pictures from where they were before. It is but a temporary setback. Soon they'll be floating around bothering you again.

4 Comments:

At 5:49 PM, Blogger Russell said...

You actually feigned being stood up? Holy crap. I mean, that's.... an extreme measure.

What's the big deal with eating alone? Evidently I am sort of crazy hermit because having done it many a time I find it not to be troublesome at all.

Perhaps you are somehow broadcasting signals to the effect of "pity me" or something which makes it awkward for you.

I would suggest either getting more comfortable with being alone, or, lots more alcohol.

 
At 4:44 AM, Blogger adrianne said...

I don't think I broadcast any such signals, but the fact of the matter is that this is a tourist town where people with families or honeymooners go. or where old people who've known eachother for 80 billion years go and drink beer together while talking about which brand of dentures are better. so being alone at dinner is oh-so-obvious, and i just wanted to see how far i could carry someone's reaction.

the lots of alcohol, however, could be a solution.

 
At 9:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The fake stand-up is a good start, but I would add the following:

1) Cry
2) When somebody tries to console you, either tell them "no, you don't understand", or turn their comments against them. For instance, if somebody tries to make you feel better and mentions that his name is Ignacio, reply with "HIS name was Ignacio -- what a devil's name it is!" or something to that effect.

This is a "cobalt bomb" strategy, since it has both the short-term effect of causing awkwardness, and possibly also the long-term effect of making the victim lose faith in their ability to understand and help other people.

-- Bruce

 
At 3:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Several years ago before I left to go to Hungary, Stacy’s mom bought me a book of collected stories..."

LOL "Stacy's mom"

 

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