I have the first episode of season 3 of LOST now!

Everyone remembers braces, right? Those ugly metal things covering your teeth sometime between the ages of 12-15 usually? Everyone looks ugly with braces. I have never met someone who made them look good, but well, between ages 12-15, I think everyone looks awkward anyway. Buttons are bursting where buttons should not be bursting, hair doesn’t fit the way it should, and skin stretches where it should be loose.

So how many people remember what happened AFTER braces? It’s called retainers. I’ll wager a guess and say that lots of people don’t remember those, considering how many horror stories I’ve heard of people actually having to return to braces. Lots of people got braces, then failed to wear those plastic containers during the night, leaving them rattling around in some drawer for happier days.

Well, since 8^th grade, retainers have basically the most constant thing in my life. The day I got my braces off, I took a solemn oath that I would wear my retainers as long and as often as necessary, because there was no way I was going to go back to braces. I was supposed to wear them every day during the day for a year, and then only at night. After wearing them for one full day, I promptly decided night was enough for me, and that’s the way it’s been ever since. I already sound ridiculous when I’m talking, and with retainers it’s absolutely indecipherable. I sound like a laboring hippo with a slur.

ANYWAY, it’s worked out fine. Each night since, I’ve diligently stuck my retainers in, and taken them out upon awakening. They have traveled with me through different countries, time zones, and altitudes. If there is a fire in my room, that MIGHT be one of the things I grab before running out. I know Jenn Marsden might feel the same way. I remember bemoaning the fact with her in high school that it’s hard it is to be appealing when you’ve got to wear RETAINERS at night. However, I bet she’s pulling off the whole ordeal with style by now.

So, these retainers have been everywhere. And by everywhere, I mean in places I would never want to return to. Such as the trashcan of the Atlanta airport. Or among the clothes I used for digging. And most recently, in the toilet.

Yes. I am now wearing the very retainers that were hanging out in the bottom of the toilet not one week ago. Last Thursday evening, the teacher of the program decided everyone here needed to experience a REAL Italian dinner, which means 8 different courses of fish. And since my eating experience here so far has been kind of haphazard (i.e. rice cakes for dinner), my stomach could not handle the experience of cooked! food! and by 3 AM I was sitting in the bathroom, bracing myself to see my 8 course meal nine times. And that’s when, at 3 AM, after being awoken by a rumbly in my tumbly, I had the presence of mind to try to take my retainers out, and into the toilet they stumbled.

And, being so sick I couldn’t care less, I just dove in after them.

The offensive objects were sitting by the sink for a few days before I got to a pharmacy and asked for disinfectant for something to go in my mouth that had fallen into the toilet. And I was led to the Listerine section. Which, 5 euros for a small bottle!!!! But it does exist!!!

So Listerine, evidently, might kill the germs in a toilet, although it proudly assures me that it only kills all manners of germs “that cause Bad Breath, Plaque & the gum disease Gingivitis.” Nowhere on there does it tell me anything about germs that might perhaps come out the other end of someone.

If I’m not alive tomorrow morning, you’ll know why.