Bye bye baby

We’ve had an empty box of Baci chocolates sitting on an unused shelf in my house for the past several years. Every year I go home, I check that box of chocolates to see if it’s magically regenerated the chocolate I ate ages ago. It’s kind of like the college student writing an essay phenomenon: she’ll look in the fridge about 16 times before the first paragraph is finished knowing full well that the only edible thing in the fridge is a half-eaten spoiled fruit salad and some cheese that’s not supposed to be THAT moldy, but MAYBE since the last time she’s looked someone’s slipped a rotisserie chicken with her name on it onto the 3^rd shelf. And if that’s not the case, then that withered celery stick and stale Doritos kind of start to look appetizing, after all.

These Baci chocolates are Italian. They’ve started to make regular appearances in my life since coffee’s become the new black. Once a day, I grab one of these 1 cm x 1 cm chocolates at the check-out counter and eat it in three short, lethal bites, because I want to make it last. And, joy of all joys! each chocolate has adorable little quotations on a piece of wax paper wrapped around it. At least, I used to think they were adorable. I seem to remember thinking each must have been inspired by unicorn breath and fairy footsteps because I’d say “Awww, isn’t that SWEET?” to each one while imagining a cottage, a white picket fence, a bun in the oven, and the smell of apple pie.

I’ve noticed that these quotations assume a decidedly different tone in Italy. For one, I’ve started to suspect that I’ve unknowingly been talking to selectors of these verses, because nearly every day I read the quotation, I realize I’ve been talking about the same topic. And another, those that I haven’t (and most of the times that I have) talked about are delightfully depressing. Take for instance the following:

Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.

Love is like a bad cough.

Marriage does not exist in heaven. Perhaps because it would upset the general felicity? (Double-whammy – given to me the day I had an extended conversation about how marriage is not the best option for happy couples)

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.

A kiss strikes like lightning; love passes like a storm.

Are they not miserable? Desolate? Ruinous? Absolutely PERFECT?

Because these chocolates ooze delightful quotations of sunshine and I think that Italians are so thin because all they do is eat one of these chocolates as breakfast, lunch, and dinner, Italians, too, sound just as negative as these chocolates. Last night I was watching the “All Music” tv station in the hotel which has about 15 minutes of personal ads after each song. The people who are usually advertising themselves are on the last leg of desperation. It’s the step they take before actually making a music video to go on this channel, which is just about the most desperate you can get.

Anyway, these personal ads have 2 sides. On the right side, the male or female is interviewed, while on the left side there is a shot of him or her doing whatever it is they want to do. This is usually:

1. Girls squeezed into tight midriffs or lounging on the beach in a bathing suit in their most flattering position, and then flapping (rather, I mean DANCING) awkwardly alone to some music
2. Guys dressed in some godawful clothes, dancing, and making that shooting pistol thing with their hands at least once because “You dig me, no?”

The interviewer asks several questions from the eligible, sometimes single person, that are usually the same. How old are you (they always blatantly lie about that), what do you do, describe yourself in three words, yadda yadda, and one of the questions usually is “Do you believe in eternal love?” And nine times out of ten, the person says no. I guess it figures, because, after all, they ARE giving their phone numbers out on public television to people who like to watch Christina Aguilera’s “Hurt” or Evanescence’s “Call Me When You’re Sober,” so they probably had some pretty serious revelations in their life.

That, or they've just been eating a ton of chocolate.