The Foodnetwork makes you delusional

Just a little bit ago I put my clothes in the dryer. It's 2:04 AM right now, Friday February 9th, and I thought it would be a good idea to do laundry NOW, seeing as I have no clean underwear or socks, even though I have to get up in a mere...6 hours or so. At around 1 AM when I put my clothes in washing machine, I was overcome by the most powerful urge to taste my Tide with Downy liquid detergent.

I successfully fought the urge to swipe of dollop of Tide deliciousness into my drooling mouth, but why I wanted to taste it I'm still wondering about. I was putting my clothes in the washing machine when it occurred to me "This stuff smells REMARKABLY like watermelon. Like a fresh watermelon on a hot, summery, breezy day! I wonder if it TASTES like a fresh watermelon!" And that's when I decided I might be able to make a sandwich with Tide and some dryer sheets. And that's when I went outside to take a few deep breathes.

I'm blaming this ALL on The Foodnetwork. Last Saturday, after Mary Kate and I woke up sort tired and bleary-eyed from an uncustomary Friday night, I spent 3 hours in the fetal position in front of The FoodNetwork watching Rachel Ray, Giada, The Barefoot Contessa, and some man making a Bloody Mary imparting their wisdom upon me. By the end of the 3 hour session, after I had stretched out in a horizontal position and decided that this standing up business wouldn't be so hard to do, I mean, all I have to do is stand up while still holding this position, I was entirely convinced that I could go out into my back alley, pick some branches from a rosemary bush to make some rosemary chicken before going out into the front courtyard to rip some fresh basil leaves off of my basil plant.

(These plants are imaginary. I do not have, nor will I ever have rosemary or basil plants.)

It's Giada and Rachel Ray who are particularly dangerous. Mary Kate and I end up watching their shows, nodding our heads vigorously at their suggestions, like "CINNAMON GNOCCHI! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT BEFORE?!" or we both run over to the fridge after Rachel Ray says "You can totally make Ham and Spinach Hash with Fried Eggs with the leftovers you have in the fridge!" and decide that why YES, with these three carrots and this wilted onion we can make the Ham and Spinach Hash with Fried Eggs, or even the Oregon Style Pork Chops with Pinot Noir and Cranberries, Oregan Hash with Wild Mushrooms, Greens, Beets, Hazelnuts, and Blue Cheese, Charred Whole Grain Bread with Butter and Chives! And only in 30 minutes!

And then when I'm making my own gourmet meals, like instant oatmeal or scrambled eggs, I've got a dialogue running through my head every step of the way. Like:

"Now what you want to do is to pour the milk ALL OVER the oatmeal (Rachel Ray handmotion) and make sure that you mix it up just a liiiiiittle bit (over-vigorous little shaking motion) so that the brown sugar isn't stuck entirely to the bottom. This is so you don't get that great big chunk of sugar at the bottom after you take this out of the microwave. Then you want to put your bowl in the microwave without getting any of the liquid on the side, because then you just get those ugly burnt oats on the side of the bowl, and then you're going to want to close the microwave door and hit the cook button twice for two minutes. Now some people like their oatmeal in there for one minute, other people 2 minutes and thirty seconds, but I'm a 2 minute kind of gal."

The dialogue for scrambled eggs is a little longer because you have a choice of two spices to flavor your eggs with.

So I'm going to go get my clothes out of the dryer. I will try not to eat my socks along the way.