So close

I'm onto the 8th page of my Spanish essay, and for the life of me I cannot think of anything else to write. That is, I theoretically have 8 pages of Spanish. I have an idea that what I have is so poorly worded that it will make Cervantes turn over in his grave, and my teacher will not even know it's Spanish. But in case she has any doubts, I will be serving my essay with some tortilla chips and guacamole, while wearing a sombrero.

I have 3 hours and 50 minutes, and counting, to write 2 more pages. I CAN do this, I just don't know with what.

I really resent fixed, bam, 10 page essays. Or 5 pages essays. Or 2 page essays. What I much prefer to hear is "8-10 page essay" or "5-8 page essay" or "2-15 sentence essay." Then you don't get a whole group of kids scrambling to dilute their 7 page essays with, ahem, shit so they reach 10 pages. Because "African elephants TOTALLY have something to do with my topic!" or "What I ate for dinner last night is TOTALLY pertinent to Spanish literature!" While I might think that way, my teacher might not. And no one wants to read 3 pages of the runs. And no one wants to write it either.

Ahhhh, such a beautiful comparison. Maybe I can somehow use it in the last 2 pages of my essay, yes?

I guess I technically only have 1 more page to write. You know what I said about introductions? It holds the same for conclusions. Sometimes even more so for conclusions, because you have to say how even if you had 10 more pages to write on the topic, you would not be able to get to the bottom of the problem, and how the previous research to this topic did not do it justice, and if you could only just once and for all get all the information out there about your topic together, you could find the cure for breast cancer or discover the key to world peace.

And here I introduce you to something good. Very good.

Adrianna's Law of Technicalities

Just remember, you heard it here first.

So say you see something that costs $69.99. That technically means that it costs $69 which is technically just about $65, which technically means that it's $60 which really means that it's about $50 because, come on, you can't even buy a decent appetizer for $10 anymore at a restaurant. And there you have it. Your $69.99 item now costs $50. And you can keep on lowering the price until you feel justified in making the purchase, because you just can't pass up such a deal.

This Law of Technicalities can be flawlessly applied to most everything in life. Late with paying a bill? Technically, June 14th is August 28th, so no problem! Made out with your best friend's boyfriend? You both have brown hair, so technically you're the same person. Got a C+ on an essay? That's technically an A-, so nothing to worry about!

Got a 10 page paper due? That's technically a 7 page essay. 12 point font? That technically is 21 point font.

Just remember that you have to emphasize/italicize "technically" to make it work. Life gets so much simpler with it!

All right, onward ho!